


Self Destruct

by ashxtodd



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background KawaGoshi and SakuAtsu, Canon Compliant, Drunken Confessions, Fluff and Angst, For the most part, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Miya Atsumu is a Good Friend, Pining, Reconciliation, Rivals to Friends to Strangers to Lovers, SakuAtsu as Marriage Counsellors, deadass
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28645575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashxtodd/pseuds/ashxtodd
Summary: “Semi-san," he said light and breathy, mostly to try and get the other's attention. Semi looked at him from over his shoulder, a small (relieved) smile danced on his lips. Kenjirou didn’t know what compelled him to say the next words he said—maybe it was the loneliness that had gotten to the point of unbearable or maybe the way Semi looked like a literal angel under the moonlight and despite knowing he’d regret it in the morning, he was too drunk to care. "If we're single by the time we're thirty, let's get married."Semi let out a small chuckle—and oh how it made Kenjirou's heart flip in ways it used to back in high school. "Well, Shirabu, be careful what you wish for, I tend to keep my promises," is all that Semi said but it was enough. It was reassurance.In which Kenjirou pines. The story of how Kenjirou and Eita find each other again.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 14
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

It was a day in spring, when cherry blossoms fell on his hair harmlessly, the faint smell of roses around them filling his nostrils, making his already nervous body to become a wreck, the sound of kids chattering all around. 

It made sense, it was graduation after all. 

He was nervous, but maybe it was the way _he_ smiled brightly as he stood with his friends that gave him the sudden courage to confess. Maybe it was the way when the other boy glanced in his direction, beckoning him to come closer which made him feel like he had just pulled off a successful setter dump. 

Maybe. 

That day Kenjirou Shirabu got his heart broken.

-

Kenjirou Shirabu was a man of many regrets but he had long learned that many things were just out of his control. 

Even so, meeting Eita Semi had got to be the biggest one. It was inevitable, but there were many precautions he could've taken that would've prevented this certain situation from taking place, because here he was, twenty four, sitting lonesome and anxious in the corner, drinking his regrets away—or well he hoped he could drink them away.

Unfortunately it was easier said than done. Movies had always made it seem straightforward, but maybe it was just his luck that he couldn’t stop thinking for even a moment, making him lose all composure he previously ever had. 

It was Ushijima's birthday and obviously he invited his old teammates and obviously that was great, you know—except it was not. Ushijima's birthday was the least of his worries and frankly put, he really didn’t give a shit about it, he was long past the stage of being an obsessive fanboy (as much as he liked to deny that particular word, candidly that was definitely not what went on, but Taichi liked to say it was) over the other, but in came his best friend in the whole wide world (he regretted all his decisions that led him to become best friends with the literal reincarnation of Regina George), Taichi dragged him there with of course help from others (Kenjirou's grip on his glass tightened as he watched Goshiki dance carefreely with Taichi) after Kenjirou oh so gracefully managed to avoid team reunions over the years with such class, all because of one man. 

Kenjirou really wasn’t one to dwell on past mistakes—or well that was what he liked to boast about anyhow, woefully though, that was certainly not the case, because over the course of many years, he did in fact dwell on them—specifically Eita Semi. 

(Was Semi a mistake? He liked to think he was.)

The main worry in his life wasn't even med school or becoming a doctor, it was Eita Semi, his atrociously handsome upperclassmen, with silky soft hair, dark brown eyes, a heart made out of gold and overall a literal angel, whom most people would never avoid and that was not exactly ideal if he was being honest—but frankly, maybe being honest with himself wasn’t his strongest suit.

Kenjirou would admit to himself though that between scathing insults and passive aggressive comments towards each other (that may or may not be his fault, _ow_ ), somewhere down his first year at Shiratorizawa, Kenjirou grew rather fond of the ash blonde setter, which then turned into infatuation fairly quickly, (though if asked about that, he would deny any attraction towards the other). 

In no way shape or form was Kenjirou an expert on love, so no wonder he'd just grown more cold towards Semi the following year. 

( _Ah, the pinnacle of romance_ , Taichi had said once rather fondly, although still sounding aloof, which was beyond him, which caused him to get decked by Kenjirou.)

After Semi graduated Kenjirou was left with a broken heart, regrets and what-if's. 

After he himself graduated he thought he was over Semi and besides he had studies to focus on—and well that remained the case, no romance for Kenjirou Shirabu. 

At least that was certainly the case until he was invited to a reunion and Kenjirou went with the only worry in his head that he had an essay due in a few days that he hadn't started yet. 

When he went there, he saw Semi—the same Semi he was so sure he was over, but then one look into those brown eyes and it was over for Kenjirou. Feelings he had tried so hard to bury—that ones he thought he had buried just resurfaced so suddenly. It was like a flood gate was opened and Kenjirou Shirabu was a weak man on his knees, begging for mercy. The feelings he experienced were so overwhelming that he was practically on the verge of tears.

Anyhow, it didn't take much longer for him to find Semi's Instagram and realistically it only just went more downhill from there. 

The other problem was despite feeling overwhelming emotions and wanting to run the opposite direction from Semi, the disappointment he got whenever Semi told the group chat he couldn’t come to a gathering was undeniably present—because yes of course he made sure to read every single one of Semi's messages even if he never responded to any of them. 

But anyway avoiding Semi had been the only plausible and civil way of dealing with his feelings. 

Kenjirou watched as Taichi walked over to him with two drinks in his hand, looking at him knowingly—Taichi knew about his dilemma because he knew about literally everything (he had started to think the ginger might have been something like gossip girl). "You look like you need something strong right now." He said, handing Shirabu the drink, sitting down beside him. 

Kenjirou sighed. "Thanks." He mumbled, taking the drink from the ginger, taking a tentative sip, which made his throat burn—Ah, good stuff then. He took a larger sip, not even caring if he choked at this point—just anything to make him forget his regrets. To make him forget _everything_ , just for one night. 

"You know," Taichi started, in between sips, watching people with him. "It appalls me how it's almost been a decade and you're still not over him." Said the ginger, sounding rather amused by the whole ordeal.

Kenjirou scowled. "You wouldn't understand since you only had to pine for like a year." He scoffed, before taking another sip of his drink. 

Still, sometimes when he thought over it as well, he would think his life was out of a shitty romance novel with ten sequels to it, a mix of undeniably boring yet still intriguing. If he were reading his life, he would hate himself for harboring such feelings after all this time, after all, feelings were not supposed to last so long. 

Taichi glanced at Goshiki, who was off socializing with other V-League members, smiling at him fondly and Kenjirou almost gagged at his lovestruck expression. "Only because I wasn't a dense idiot like you." Taichi said mildly and Kenjirou resisted the urge to hit him. 

_There was nothing to be dense about_ , he wanted to say. Semi had made it perfectly clear at graduation that any hope of having anything between them didn't exist.

"No need to pour salt on my wounds, dickhead." He mumbled, blankly watching all the unfamiliar people in the room - _Ushijima-san sure is popular_ , he thought, trying to distract him, as his thoughts ate him up.

"Always so bitchy when you know he's coming." Taichi said, ignoring his previous comment. 

"Pre-prom jitters." He said, rolling his eyes. 

Taichi snorted. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll tell you when he arrives," he said, getting up. "All the good stuff's with Atsumu Miya, by the way." The ginger told him, patting him on the shoulder, before heading off to his boyfriend.

"Thanks." Kenjirou murmured, sighing. 

He knew he could leave at any time (Ushijima assured him when he expressed his doubts and concerns—obviously not name dropping Semi) and Taichi would never make him do something he wasn’t comfortable with. 

His heart was pounding and he was so, so anxious.

He was scared—no he was absolutely _terrified_ . But along with being afraid, he was also _excited_. There was a sort of adrenaline rush he got from seeing Semi—not only that, but he wanted to see the ash blonde, he usually did, even if it ate him up inside every time. 

-

After he was done with his drink, he did in fact decide to get more because he was way too tense and distraught for someone who was at a friend's birthday party, so he solemnly went to find Atsumu Miya. Which didn’t seem to be a huge headache since the guy was so damn recognizable (being the IT boy of Japan had its perks) and he found him in no time with a bunch of bottles of alcohol unsurprisingly. 

The first thing that Atsumu Miya said to him was, "let me get you a drink, buddy". 

The absolute mess inside him must surely show on his face if Atsumu was able to pick up on it so easily and say it in the most empathetic way possible (or he was just strangely perceptive bastard), but either way Kenjirou didn’t have the time to give a shit, instead sighed when he finally got his drink. 

“Omi and Kita-san are so alike, ya know? And sometimes when I see Kita-san it just...I just feel so hurt? No that’s probably not the right word— _ugh it’s all so confusing!_ I don’t even like Kita-san anymore like that, but every time he looks at me like _that_ _—_ _that damned smile_ I stupidly fell in love with — it’s a constant reminder of what I _couldn’t_ have.” Atsumu said and Kenjirou hummed, knowing exactly what Atsumu was talking about. He didn’t really know how he got into his current situation a few drinks later, sprawled on a couch with a bottle in hand, listening to Atsumu rant about his love life (or lack of), which he wasn’t sure why Atsumu was confiding in him with since they were practically strangers, but he wasn’t complaining either, because it was _interesting_ , to say the least.

His first impression of Atsumu had been in highschool and it was something along the lines of _annoying bastard_ and now it was the _most relatable bastard to ever exist_ , because if he was being honest, he actually understood Atsumu's feelings to some extent.

“I just ignored him and tried to run. Look where it got me.” Kenjirou said bitterly, not even giving a shit that he was exposing himself to a literal stranger, but then again he had already told him too much already, so there was no point in shutting up.

Plus, it served as free therapy considering _finally_ someone understood his feelings. Maybe it was time to talk about his problems. He’d kept them under lockdown for _a while_. Well, maybe way more than a while and maybe it ruined many things for him in life, but even then, at least he finally decided to free himself of this burden.

(But then, he was never truly free, was he?)

Atsumu closed his eyes at that, moving his hand as if he were knocking, thinking deeply about something—until it finally hit him and he glanced at Kenjirou intrigued. “It’s that uhhh angry looking setter with uh what was it? He looked kinda emo—I forgot his name, shit.” He said, slurring his words and Kenjirou didn’t even question how he knew it was Semi and instead nodded. ‘Man!” Atsumu exclaimed suddenly. “It’s always the upperclassmen.”

Kenjirou nodded in agreement. “They have good intentions and everything and try to be helpful but end up ruining our lives instead without even knowing, like the fuck?” 

Atsumu hummed. “Fucking bullshit, man.”

“It really is.”

“So I’m guessing your loverman is coming.” Atsumu said conversely, taking another sip from his bottle.

Kenjirou hummed, taking another swing of the alcohol. He felt hazy and most of all _lonely_. Atsumu was right beside him, he knew, but nothing could sedate the pit in his heart—he knew., The hole in his heart that he had been bearing with for years. It was a constant reminder of just how sad his life was—inexplicably pathetic. He sighed. “I just...I’m so tired of it all.” He confessed, not bothering to look at Atsumu.

He didn’t have to say more (he didn’t think he could say more). Atsumu understood. Kenjirou knew he did. “It’s shit.” Atsumu said quietly. They both knew rejection. They both had this numbness in their chest—the emptiness of their hearts. They both were drowning themselves in alcohol to escape their sorrows. “Never ending piece of shit, damn if I know how to stop it,” he stopped himself, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. “I didn’t see myself talking ‘bout this to someone tonight.”

Kenjirou let himself laugh despite himself. “Neither did I.” He admitted, as he felt himself getting lightheaded. Perhaps he was way past the stage of tipsy. Either way he didn’t care. How could he, when this is exactly what he wanted?

“Yeah well...life is strange.” Atsumu mumbled trailing off, as his expression turned into a thoughtful one. 

Kenjirou let the subject drop as he looked around Ushijima’s apartment. It was nice and comfortable, alas a little plain (though with all the people around at the moment, it was really fucking lively). His gaze kept shifting, never really focusing on one thing for too long, nothing really interesting him. 

And then time froze and his stomach dropped as he caught the slightest glimpse of that familiar ash blonde hair. Even in the different colored lights in the room, there was no mistaking who that was. He couldn’t stop himself, his eyes going to find that familiar face—the face that despite annoying him at times always brought a smile to his lips. The face he used to spend all his nights fantasizing about like a schoolgirl. And the face he had been trying to avoid for years and his chest throbbed. 

He let out a shaky exhale as time seems to be working again even if it seems slowed down. His heart rate picked up, a flush cast itself on his face for unknown reasons and a lump formed in his throat. 

Then those brown eyes that he had spent so long thinking of, the ones that he knew have seen him through thick and thin glanced at him. 

A beat passed and Kenjirou sat there frozen in place as he and Semi made eye contact, the ash blonde’s face had a hopeful smile plastered upon it.

Memories of his high school days suddenly resurfaced as if it were yesterday. That one very distinct memory of that girl making out with Semi on his graduation right in front of Kenjirou, right before he was going to confess to Semi came back to him and he couldn’t stop the whimper escaping his lips nor the tears that suddenly started forming in his eyes.

(He wanted to say he was overly emotional because he was drunk. It was a lie and he knew it.)

He remembered it all so well. 

He remembered how Semi had comforted him after his final match and how close they started to become after that and hope bloomed inside of him. That hope only led to pain and suffering. It led to countless sleepless nights sobbing, terrible eating habits and his grades slipping. And most of all, the pit in his heart - the hole that served as a constant reminder of utter rejection. 

He knew Semi never meant to hurt him but that only pained him more—Semi never knew and he’ll never know. In the end it didn’t even matter because no matter what Semii did, those old wounds stung and would still hurt all over. 

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t face Semi right now. 

(Could he ever face him? He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it either.)

So he fled. Running was the only thing he thought he was capable of doing anymore. It was cowardly, he was aware. But it was better than facing rejection again. He had been crushed once he didn’t think he could afford to let it happen again.

  
  


-

  
  


Kenjirou wasn’t sure how much time passed or how much alcohol he consumed, but he guessed it was enough for Taichi to make him drink two glasses of water (he spit the other one out out of spite, but he was not going to go into details about that) and made him go outside to the balcony to get some fresh air to sober down. So maybe he got a bit over excited while playing Just Dance against Atsumu. 

It didn’t matter. 

He sighed, watching the stars, his chin resting on his palm. He didn’t think he was a sentimental drunk, but usually when he got drunk it wasn’t because his high school crush was near him, so usually he didn’t end up being such a _mess_. 

(Deep down he knew that the emotions he faced weren’t because he was drunk. He didn’t want to think about it though.)

Maybe he should’ve _hated_ Semi. After all, Semi was the cause of his life problems. Maybe he did hate Semi, but getting drunk was easier than resenting Semi. 

It was easier to pretend like the bad stuff never happened. It was easier to just remember the good parts. The drunker he got, the easier that was. 

But he felt _lonely_. Kenjirou didn’t like to consider himself as lonely since he had friends even if it was not as many as most people, but he trusted them with his life. Despite all of that he felt lonely right now. 

(The aching in his heart. The pain he knew would never stop till the day he died. Rejection had made him feel this way. He didn’t want to feel it anymore. But it would never stop.)

The problem was, he knew Semi was still here. He knew that Semi could probably find him. No matter how much it hurt to see Semi, no matter the fact that he knew he had the option to leave anytime he wanted—he _should’ve_ left—he was not trying to and he thought it might be because of the sadness he felt. 

The stars weren’t as bright as they usually were. Maybe it was because they were in the city. The atmosphere was severely melancholy—it matched his mood splendidly, if he were being honest.

The thought of leaving crossed his mind several times as he stared into the abyss of stars. 

(Why couldn’t he leave?)

He didn’t hear footsteps approaching, too distracted by the stars and moon. He didn’t notice anyone coming to stand next to him either. 

“It’s really pretty tonight,” said someone from behind him, causing Kenjirou’s breath to hitch and his throat to tighten. He knew this voice. He shuddered, not saying anything, just hummed in response. What was there left to say? “It’s been a while.” Semi said. 

Maybe Kenjirou should’ve felt guilty about ignoring Semi, but he didn’t, even if Semi’s breathless statement in the end translated to _I know you’ve been ignoring me_. It was hard not to notice when he had been doing it with half assed excuses for years now. He didn’t blame Semi for bringing it up either, but he wasn’t not going to answer why he did it either. Instead he hummed, ignoring the way Semi’s looked at him—so sad and desperate (the way he had felt that day on graduation). “How have you been?” Semi asked, his voice quiet, barely audible. 

"Fine," he said, _before you got here_ , were the unspoken words. He didn’t utter them. The tension in Semi's shoulders was an induction enough that the message was quite clear. He didn’t try to dwell too much on Semi—frankly put even in his drunk infused mind, he didn’t think he had it in him to face the man right now. 

(The longer Semi lingered, the more he felt like his heart was being clawed out. Why did it hurt even after all those years?)

"That's good," Semi mumbled, his voice distant and wary, as if he were worried that the slightest thing might set Kenjirou off. He couldn’t say he blames the guy, though if he were sober it would've been infuriating to be treated like a child, when he was not. 

(Though he knew that if he were sober he wouldn’t have the courage to stay this long with Semi. He knew he’d run again.)

(Why hadn’t he run already?)

(What was there left?)

And then for some reason he did look. It wasn’t on purpose at first, but once he had actually looked at Semi in person after so long, something inside him practically snapped and he just couldn’t stop looking at the breathtaking man in front of him. Had he always been this handsome? Kenjirou thought to himself, before realizing that he spoke that thought out loud with the way Semi's face turned from worried to flustered in a matter of seconds and oh, that was a cute look on him. He noticed he spoke that too with the way Semi's eyes widened and turned his head in the other direction. Kenjirou couldn’t help but laugh at that, suddenly all precautions and reasons to avoid Semi were forgotten.

(Somehow the pain eased. He wasn’t sure how or why, but it did.)

Semi faced the sky, propping his elbows on the railing and hiding his face in his hands. It only made Kenjirou giggle more. 

(His heart raced. Semi was right in front of him after all those years. It felt like a dream.)

“Semi-san," he said light and breathy, mostly to try and get the other's attention. Semi looked at him from over his shoulder, a small (relieved) smile danced on his lips. Kenjirou didn’t know what compelled him to say the next words he said—maybe it was the loneliness that had gotten to the point of unbearable or maybe the way Semi looked like a literal angel under the moonlight and despite knowing he’d regret it in the morning, he was too drunk to care. "If we're single by the time we're thirty, let's get married." 

Semi looked away and silence grew. Kenjirou waited. 

(Why did he ask such an absurd question? Why did regret not fill him right as the words got out of his mouth? Everything was confusing.)

A beat passed.

Semi let out a small chuckle—and oh how it made Kenjirou's heart flip in ways it used to back in high school. "Well, Shirabu, be careful what you wish for, I tend to keep my promises," is all that Semi said but it was enough. It was reassurance. 

Kenjirou giggled. "I know," 

Semi looked back at him, a smile so genuine and charming that Kenjirou felt like a teenager all over again. 

That was enough for now. He ran away again. This time it wasn’t an act of cowardice. 

With that done, Kenjirou let himself be swayed with the music, ultimately found himself with Atsumu and Taichi to play twister which ended with him passing out on the sofa. 

Kenjirou slept with a smile that day and the pain was finally sedated. 

  
  


-

  
  


It was a night in late summer, the unpleasant smell of alcohol and sweaty bodies all around him, the deafening sound of music playing in the background and a smile on his lips as Kenjirou Shirabu forgot about his heart’s desires and for once in his life the pain wasn’t unbearable. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this first chapter lowkey based off of Ariana Grande's "Everytime"? Yes, yes it was. Thank you Su was beta reading this!! This has been in my drafts for MONTHS and I finally decided to finish some of it, so I hope you all enjoyed!! I promise you it's not as angsty as this chapter suggests, but anyway this is the prologue done (was this a prologue? Kind of I guess lmao). 
> 
> Next chapter is gonna have a 6 year timeskip, yes I know, WILD, but it had to be done for the sake of plot. Next chapter will probably be uploaded like on next Thursday like a few hours before my flight, cos I need the validation. I don't know how long this will be, but I'm hoping for around 5-7 chapters. And don't worry I didn't forget about my other main fic, I had exams and I'm highkey sick, so I'll update that soon!! I promise!!
> 
> Follow me on twitter <3 @ashxtodd


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenjirou wasn’t sure if there was some sort of honest to god conspiracy going on against him, but there was no way in hell that he had just heard Eita Semi tell him that they were getting married, after he undoubtedly avoided him for the past decade, not to mention that this made no sense.

It was a day in summer, the dull surroundings of the hospital not wavering his mood in the slightest, patients and staff members walking around, though he paid them no mind, when Kenjirou Shirabu’s heart ached again.

  
  


-

  
  


Kenjirou liked to consider himself lucky when it comes to overall success in life. After three years of internship and residency and then more training, Kenjirou had earned himself a respectful status in Ohasuhigashi Hospital after working there for several years and despite his uncooperative attitude sometimes, he liked to think that he was well liked among the staff as well. 

Which sort of brought him to his current dilemma, because he was currently being bombarded with presents by his fellow staff members because they somehow found out it was his birthday the other day (he had just turned thirty, he couldn’t believe how incredibly old he was getting) and were now giving him presents as a result.

Which was sort of getting annoying because as much as he loved the people here, this was just plain  _ ridiculous _ . He even complained to the chief of staff earlier, telling him that this was certainly not professional but all he did was pat him on the shoulder and give him a box of chocolates — he was so done at this point. 

So he sighed in relief when he finally got his break away from his other colleagues. Finally getting some peace, Kenjirou opened the cabinets to find some coffee to make himself some, as he rubbed his temples due to his growing migraine. 

_ Children _ . His colleagues were  _ children _ . He didn’t know how this hospital hadn’t been sued for unprofessionalism. 

He took out the jar of coffee, putting two tablespoons of coffee into the mug, before mixing everything together. 

He practically purred when the familiar bitter taste of coffee touched his tongue. The pounding in his head seemed to get better as he took more sips, settling down in the staff room, taking out his phone that he had been ignoring for the past few hours. He was not shocked to find text messages from Atsumu, instead he was so accustomed to them at this point, that he looked forward to them — because there was nothing better than to listen to Atsumu make an ass out of himself. 

**Atsumu:** Kiyoomi and I were wondering if you’re still up for us coming to ur house for tea after your shift ofc

Kenjirou took a sip of his coffee, as he typed in his response. 

**Me:** sure 

**Me:** don’t get killed by Kiyoomi-kun this time, thanks

Over the past few years, he and Atsumu have developed an unlikely friendship (plus Kiyoomi) which he himself isn't quite sure how it happened, but it did and now they're such good friends that having each other over is practically everyday for them. The perks of living close to each other as well. 

(Though, if he were being honest, Taichi was still the tolerable best friend between all of them, which was an achievement in itself for the ginger, considering for years he was the most annoying person on the planet. Then again, marriage probably changes a guy.)

"Dr.Shirabu, you have a visitor," said a voice from in front of him. Kenjirou closed his phone, shoving it back into his pocket as he looked up to find his colleague standing over him, an amused expression on her face as she stared at him.

Kenjirou narrowed his eyes on Dr.Sakura as he took a sip of his coffee. "Who is it?” He asked. He didn’t usually get many people around here asking for him — unless it was one of the Black Jackal’s guys, which wouldn’t surprise him in the slightest. Two of their spikers, Hinata and Bokuto had been there more often than not, for pulling stunts that they most definitely shouldn’t pull. 

(He guesses maybe that was why Atsumu was such good friends them — he got to be a complete child with them, since his brother didn’t live close by anymore.)

Sakura’s grin only grew, as she bit her bottom lip. “It’s not the volleyball team,” she clarified, a glint in her eyes, which frankly put did not reassure Kenjirou in the slightest - if anything, it just made him worried. “I think it’s best if you come take a look yourself, doctor.” She said, her voice neutral, her expression not giving away anything, except that there was some conspiracy going on against him. Great. 

(He was thinking about throwing a chair if it turned out to be another present.)

Kenjirou put his mug down, getting up, his hands automatically going into his white coat’s pockets, as he followed Sakura out the staff room. She gave him one last smirk, as they got out, before pushing him in the distant direction of the main counter. 

Kenjirou didn’t know what to expect as he walked towards the main desk. The way Sakura had looked at him, the only way to describe it was...cunning. Now she was a wonderful co-worker so truthfully he had no clue what was going to happen to him. Perhaps he was thinking way too much into it. 

It wouldn’t be the first time after all. 

As he took wary steps towards the main desk, he felt himself getting uncharacteristically nervous. He hadn’t felt this nervous in years. It was strange. 

As he got to the main desk, his arm rested on the counter, as he watched the receptionist type something on his computer. “Kaito-kun, Dr.Sakura said I have a visitor,” he said to the other, questioningly. He could only hope that the visitor was an actual visitor and not some delivery boy. 

Kaito nodded, looking away from his computer for a second, before he pointed beside him. “Yes, there.” 

Kenjirou turned his head, expecting the worst - but clearly he didn’t think things through, because this was most definitely worse than some delivery boy, because as soon as he turned his head, his eyes find a pair of sweet and luminous brown ones, and his chest and jaw instantly tightened, as he took in the appearance of the man in front of him. Clearly he hadn’t thought that Eita Semi would be standing in front of him, after years of no contact with each other.

“Hey,” Semi said, his voice having no hint of resentment, nor desperation, instead he sounded casual - gleeful even. Kenjirou swallowed, his throat running dry, his heart pounding, as all he could do was stare. “Happy birthday,” he said. 

The sudden urge to scream suddenly filled Kenjirou, as his heart ached, as he looked into Semi’s eyes after so long. The hole in his heart that he hadn’t felt for so long returned. 

The want to run suddenly came back, a lump forming in his throat. “Hi.” He manages to choke out nonetheless, a million questions boarding his mind. 

(He had tried so hard to forget all those years. Had that time meant nothing?)

(He didn’t need Semi, he knew that, but why did his heart ache like he did?)

Semi’s smile was kind, just like the rest of him. Maybe that was one of the reasons why he had fallen in love with him at one time. All that time didn’t feel like years ago, instead it felt like it was just yesterday. 

Semi being right in front of him felt like a fever dream.

“Hi,” Semi said right back. Kenjirou wanted to cry. 

Semi’s hair looked a little shorter from the last time he remembered seeing him at Taichi and Tsutomu’s wedding. His arms looked a little stronger in the shirt he was wearing. His eyes just as he remembered. The smile on his lips was just a little softer. 

He had never prepared for a moment like this. “Semi-san,” was all he could muster up. Even after all these years, he felt like a teenager all over again. 

Everything he felt then, it felt like it was crashing down all over him again. He didn’t want to go through all the pain and suffering again. He really didn’t. But it didn’t seem like he had a choice. 

“Shirabu,” Semi repeated. It was as if he knew what he was going through. But how could he? 

(He couldn’t move his feet no matter how desperately he wanted to go. He was a coward.)

"Why are you here?” He asked. Why now? Why after everything? 

“I wanted to see how you’ve been,” Semi said with sincerity, and Kenjirou’s heart throbbed. Had Semi always been that kind? Why couldn’t he have been a terrible person he could resent and hate? “It seems like you’re doing well,” he said, smiling at him. 

Kenjirou wanted to cry. He let out a shaky exhale, as he nodded, focusing his gaze on anything other than Semi. He couldn’t do it. “I’m…-I’m good...yeah — how have you been?” He asked instead. When did small talk make him want to throw up?

“I’ve been fine,” Semi said. “But um...I actually like wanted to ask you something.”

Kenjirou looked up from the floor, back up to Semi, whose smile wasn’t meeting his eyes all of a sudden, his tongue in between his lips. He seemed anxious. “Go ahead.” He choked out. 

“Are you...like — um are you seeing someone?”

Kenjirou’s breath hitched, as he stared at Semi wide eyed. “You mean — you mean...right now?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized how utterly stupid the question was. Semi simply nodded, unsurely. “Um — no.” He answered, utterly dumbfounded, his heart ran a thousand miles per minute, before he realized what Semi truly just asked. 

Why would he even care? 

(He did not want to hope. Hope was what made him suffer. Why was Semi making him hope?)

(Why was Semi truly here?)

Semi let out a sigh, while all Kenjirou could do was stare. The want to run suddenly came back. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know why Semi was here. Ignorance was truly bliss. Semi’s eyes wandered back to his and Kenjirou was mesmerized. “I don’t know...if you remember, but...we’re supposed to get married now.” 

Kenjirou wasn’t sure if there was some sort of honest to god conspiracy going on against him, but there was no way in hell that he had just heard Eita Semi tell him that they were getting married, after he undoubtedly avoided him for the past decade, not to mention that this made no sense. 

“We’re what?” He asked, his tone nonchalant, but internally he was everything but that. 

“We’re supposed to get married.” Semi said, sounding a bit hesitant, as he repeated his previous statement, this time slower, so that Kenjirou could understand. 

“Please elaborate on that  _ ‘supposed’. _ ” He asked calmly. 

(His heart throbbed. He couldn’t say he hadn’t thought about marrying Semi before it would be a blatant lie. Still, Semi saying that made him want to sob. He didn’t want to hope anymore. He was tired.)

Semi sighed, as his cheeks grew red, he moved his hand around, his mouth open, but the words not coming out. Somehow Kenjirou understood the panic Semi was suddenly facing. “At like Wakatoshi-kun’s birthday — uh I think it was his twenty sixth birthday b-but anyway, you were drunk and you made me promise to marry you when you turned thirty and I-I...well that’s it, but yeah…” Semi explained. 

“I did what?” He asked dumbly, his eyes wide. Still somehow, it didn’t surprise him as much as it should’ve. Semi opened his mouth to answer, but Kenjirou brought his hand up, “don’t answer that, stupid question.” He said, gulping. “Clearly I was drunk, so why are you here?” 

( _ Please leave _ , he wanted to say. He couldn’t do this anymore. The longer Semi stayed, his heart felt like it was being teared into pieces.)

Semi opened his mouth to reply, but Kenjirou put his hand up again. “Actually please don’t answer that and leave.” He said, hoping that he didn’t sound desperate like how he actually felt. Semi frowned and Kenjirou sighed. “We can talk about this later, I have to go back to my shift, Semi-san.” He explained. 

Semi nodded. “I could do that, yeah.” 

“Alright, great, I’ll text you or something and then you can come over to my place and then we can talk.” He said. He didn’t know why he said that either, maybe because it was polite and the right thing to do.

(Or maybe he had his own selfish reasons.)

Semi nodded. “That works, yeah — thanks.” He said, an unapologetic expression on his face, as he shifted in his position uncomfortably. “Anyhow, I’ll let you go back to work, I’m sure you’re very busy, doctor.” He said, probably not wanting this awkward conversation to drag on any longer than it already had — truthfully, neither did Kenjirou. 

“Yes, um, see you around, Semi-san.” He said, nodding in acknowledgement. 

“You too, Shirabu.” Semi said, as he turned on his heel. 

Kenjirou let out a sigh as he watched Semi walk towards the exit, not even turning back to look at him one last time. He couldn’t deny the fact that it  _ hurt _ . 

(Why did he hurt now after all this time? What did Kenjirou ever do to deserve such suffering? He could never quite understand that.)

Kenjirou put his fingers on his temples. That was not how he expected his day to go in the slightest. When a hand found its way on his shoulder, he couldn’t help but jolt at the action, as he spun around to see another one of his colleagues, grinning at him like a cheshire cat. 

“Dr.Shirabu, I don’t mean to pry...but, who was that handsome stranger you were talking to just now?” Dr Chizu asked, her voice deceitful. Kenjirou realized how fucked he was, as he felt his face heat up at the mention of Semi. It didn’t take Chizu long to notice that reaction, either, her smirk only growing in response. “Could it be that you’ve found yourself your prince charming?” 

“ _ No! _ ” Kenjirou spluttered, lacking conviction. “Semi-san and I have nothing of the sort going on, absolutely nothing!” Yet, he couldn’t help but wonder what if they did? You don’t exactly go up to a friend and ask them to seriously marry you if you don’t even have the slightest bit of attraction towards them. 

“Ah, so my guess was correct,” Sakura said coming out of seemingly nowhere, as she stood beside Chizu, practically ganging up on Kenjirou. “That was Eita Semi wasn’t it? That guitarist from that band that broke up?” 

Damnit. Of course Semi also had to be a world renowned celebrity. It felt as though Kenjirou’s luck just couldn’t get worse than this. 

Chizu gasped. “Oh my god, seriously? I was such a huge fan!” 

Sakura nodded devilishly, as her eyes stayed on Kenjirou’s face the entire time, all the while he could feel her staring holes and digging through his calm exterior, practically clawing at it. “So doctor, tell us the details so we can come up with a diagnosis.” She said mischievously. 

“I’m going back to my rounds,” he said dully, hoping to escape his colleague’s scrutiny - for god’s sake this was a hospital not a detective agency. “I hope you both do that as well instead of meddling in my love life.” The words came out of his mouth easily, as if they were natural.

He didn’t realize the poor choice of words until two seconds later. 

“So you’re admitting that there’s something between you two?” Chizu asked dryly. 

_ Oh no _ . 

“There is nothing,” Kenjirou tried to clarify, only for it to not have the desirable effect that he was going for. 

“Obviously that’s not true, I’m certain you possess some feelings towards Semi.” Sakura said, narrowing her eyes at him, as though she knew all his heart’s secrets - as if she knew all the demons he had thought he had previously buried. 

“And, goodbye.” He said, as he walked by those two. 

It was going to be a long day, he was sure of it. 

  
  


-

  
  


True to his previous prediction hours prior, it was indeed a very long day of Kenjirou. 

It wasn’t the fact that he happened to have more patients than usual – no, if anything the distraction was greatly appreciated. It was the fact that he was acutely aware of his coworkers stalking his every move, trying to find more gossip – probably something to do with Semi’s visit.

It was absurd.

It was horrendous.

His coworkers shouldn’t have been acting like teenagers, yet they were. What was worse that he couldn’t find it in himself to seriously tell them off either.

Still, faintly he wondered if his love life (or lack of) was really that intriguing. Surely it wasn’t. Or at least it shouldn’t have been. Yet the more his colleagues tried to dish out any piece of information about him and Semi, he couldn’t help but ponder – was it really so life altering as his friends made it seem like.

He tried not to dwell on it too much.

(Or well rather, he hoped he wouldn’t dwell on it too much. He’d already entered dangerous territory.)

Somehow, he managed to survive the day with minimum damage and minimum thoughts of a certain ash blonde guitarist who was supposedly supposed to marry – surely the other was out of his mind – but every time his mind wandered to those brown eyes, staring into his with so much intent.

Kenjirou shuddered, as he poured himself a glass of wine.

(What did he ever do to deserve this disaster of a situation? Why did he have to possess unresolved feelings for Semi that he knew would lead to hell?

Why was nothing about what was going on the least ideal situation to be in?)

As he took a sip of his wine, he couldn’t help but let out a melodramatic sigh. He hadn’t expected this scenario in a million years. And he certainly did not expect it to happen so suddenly – so out of the blue.

He wanted to punch himself in the gut.

When Semi texted him asking for details about his house, he could have left him on read – or he could have replied to the message after his shift. But there was something that compelled him to reply on the spot.

Even as his fingers trembled as he typed in his address and anxiety surged through his veins, he still kept true to his word.

He hated himself for it.

(It would’ve been easier to run away again. He was aware.

He didn’t know why he didn’t run.)

When he heard the bell to his apartment ring, he instantly knew who it was. Still, it didn’t calm his nerves down in the slightest or stop his throat from tightening.

He sat his glass down, as he got up, each step he took felt heavier than it should have. The air around him suddenly felt tenser than it should’ve. 

(Even after all those years, why couldn’t he move on?)

With trembling hands, he opened the door.

He certainly did not expect to be greeted with the sight of Atsumu, Kiyoomi and Semi standing together, looking so out of place that it physically irked Kenjirou just to see them standing together. Alas, the sight of Semi standing next to two giant athletes somehow eased some of his nerves, all the while it also reminded him of the fact that he had invited Atsumu and Kiyoomi earlier that day and had completely forgotten about it.

Of course, he didn’t blame himself. Time had passed, he had matured, things still remained the same. Being petty was a habit he couldn’t break even after all this time. Especially when it came to Semi. Blaming the other for his own problems had always been easier than taking accountability. Even now, he realized the rule still applied.

Perfect, wasn’t it?

Atsumu’s shit eating grin was enough of an indicator that he was aware of who he was standing next to, especially with the way his eyes practically sparkled with delight as he spotted Kenjirou. He couldn’t say he blamed him.

After all, Semi had made for quite the gossip topic for several years.

“Kenjirou, what a surprise,” Atsumu said nonchalantly, as if he wasn’t standing next to the bane of Kenjirou’s existence. “I didn’t know you were inviting other people too.”

Atsumu’s tone was suggestive enough for even an outsider to tell what exactly he meant.

Kenjirou smiled pleasantly at him, blankly staring at him—if looks could kill, Atsumu would be a corpse already. Still, the blonde didn’t let that affect him, instead he just seemed so utterly _smug_ _—_ it didn’t take a genius to know that with the face Kenjirou was pulling, he suddenly regretted ever opening up to Atsumu. Well, it wasn’t like he could do anything about it now, except maybe dispose off Atsumu, though Kiyoomi would probably end him in the process. 

“Well…there were some last-minute changes,” he said, trying his hardest not to slam the door shut in their faces.

Maybe it was because Kiyoomi was there. Probably.

(But with the way his heart lumped as his gaze met Semi’s, he became acutely aware of the fact that Kiyoomi’s existence had nothing to do with the ordeal.)

(He wanted to run.

Yet his feet were glued on the ground and all he wanted to do was fall into Semi’s arms.

He hoped that it didn’t show on his face—he wasn’t sure he was ready to face the mortification if it did.)

(His stomach fluttered and he dreaded everything. Why was he feeling this way? It had been _years_. Why now?)

“I’m sorry, Semi-san, I completely forgot I had guests coming,” he said through gritted teeth, though he didn’t feel apologetic in the slightest. Maybe it was just his petty nature. Or maybe he was just cruel. He certainly didn’t care if he was. That wasn’t his problem.

Maybe.

Semi made an expression that was between tired and pained. Kenjirou’s chest tightened. It shouldn’t have. Yet it did.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s okay,” Semi said. Why was he apologizing? He wondered. He had done nothing wrong. As Semi looked down at the ground and scrambled for words, the niggling at the back of his head suddenly consumed him—he realized what it was; _guilt_. “I’ll— I’ll catch you on a later time—”

(His breath hitched.

_Please stay_ , he wanted to scream. _Please don’t leave._

He couldn’t get the words out as his throat tightened and he felt his chest getting heavier. He wanted Semi to get out of his life, yet watching him leave _hurt_. He couldn’t bear the pain for a second time.)

“No, no, it’s perfectly fine, Kenjirou’s free anyway, we’re just here to check up on him, right Omi?” Atsumu said, as he turned to look at Kiyoomi, who even with a mask on, Kenjirou knew was somewhat amused by this disaster of a situation. Kiyoomi nodded and Kenjirou realized that Kiyoomi was actually entertaining Atsumu’s scheme. _Damnit_. Atsumu grinned. “See! Now come in!”

Semi looked hesitant, but there wasn’t really anything he could do with two athletes twice his size practically pushing him inside. “Uh—”

“I’m so sorry,” Kenjirou sighed as he shut the door, as everyone entered inside.

“It’s fine,” Kiyoomi said offhandedly, as Atsumu led them all to the dining room, a box of what Kenjirou guessed was cookies, in his hands.

“I don’t think we’ve properly introduced ourselves,” Atsumu said, as they sat down around the dining table, Kiyoomi and Atsumu sitting together, leaving Kenjirou stuck with sitting with Semi. _Great_. “I’m Atsumu Miya and this is my boyfriend Kiyoomi Sakusa.” He said opening the box of cookies, as he took one out for himself.

Semi smiled at them, as his hand reached forward to shake Atsumu’s hand, while just nodding at Kiyoomi—which Kiyoomi practically sparkled in delight at. Ah, so maybe Semi was not that ignorant after all.

“Nice to meet you, Miya-kun, Sakusa-kun, I’m Eita Semi.” Semi said politely as he brought his hands back into his lap.

Kenjirou poured more wine into his already half-filled glass. Something told him it was going to be a long night.

(He was too exhausted to even dwell on how close he and Semi were sitting. Instead all he wanted to do was let go and lay loose.

He realized that’s what he always did when Semi was around. It felt like keeping walls around Semi just never worked.)

“Eita-san, the pleasure’s all mine, Kenjirou’s told me all about you.” Kenjirou almost spit out his drink.

“Oh?” Semi questioned. From the corner of his eye, Kenjirou could see Semi’s gaze on him, as if baffled by the revelation. He tried his hardest to ignore it and drown in his drink instead. “Has he now?”

Kenjirou could practically feel Atsumu’s glee which could only be described as a synonym of _smug_. _Bastard_.

Atsumu hummed, entirely too pleased with the situation.

“No comment,” Kenjirou muttered, because it felt like everyone was expecting some sort of answer from him—it didn’t help that his only supporter, Kiyoomi, seemed to be in on Atsumu’s ungodly scheme against him.

It was times like these he wished Taichi was here instead. But of course, the bastard was living his married life as if he was in a Disney film. _Gross_.

This whole situation felt like an interrogation. And it seemed like Kenjirou was on the receiving end of it. 

He could just tell with the mischievous glint in both his supposed friends’ eyes that they were up to no good and this disaster of a situation will turn into absolute hell in a matter of minutes. 

“So, what brings you here?” Atsumu asked.

“Um.” From beside him, he could practically feel the nervousness itching off of Semi. Not that Kenjirou blamed him, the whole situation felt like it was from a romantic comedy. He was somewhat intrigued at how Semi was going to explain this mess. “Er…we’re getting married?” Semi finally said hesitantly.

Well, maybe he did not expect Semi to be _that_ straightforward. 

This time the reality of the situation hit Kenjirou like a punch in the gut and he practically _choked_. He saw Kiyoomi drop his cookie in surprise and Atsumu actually _choke_ on his.

“What the fuck.”

“ _Yer what_?”

“ _No, we’re not_!” Kenjirou intervened, trying desperately to do damage control, all the while Semi practically shrunk in his seat, but he was aware that the damage was already done, if the way Kiyoomi’s phone pointed at them was any indication.

“Oh my god you’re getting married before us, how the fuck—” Atsumu said, his voice sounding panicked, but for all the wrong reasons.

“What the actual fuck.” Kiyoomi repeated again, as he typed something on his phone frantically.

This was a disaster.

_No_. This was _worse_. 

“No one is getting married.” Kenjirou tried again faintly, but it didn’t help his cause in the slightest and all he could do was sigh and cover his face with his hands in humiliation.

(Why was his stomach flipping as if he were sixteen again?

He didn’t want this. He never asked for this.)

“Technically you did ask me to marry you,” Semi said, looking at him apologetically.

This made his blood _boil_.

“What the fuck? I was drunk and that was six fucking years ago, get over yourself!” He couldn’t help but yell.

Maybe it was wrong of him to release his built up rage on Semi. Either way he didn’t care.

Semi looked taken aback for a moment, but didn’t seem like he wasn’t expecting the reaction. “It was a _promise_ , Shirabu. You made me _promise_.” It was as if he wasn’t insisting—as if he wanted to believe that it was real, that he wanted it. 

(It hurt. It was laughable how much it hurt.)

“I was drunk!”

It was a lame excuse. True nonetheless. 

“Drunk words are sober thoughts, _doctor_!”

He couldn’t help but cringe at the use of that word. 

( _“What are you going to do after you graduate?” Semi asked him, as they laid together on his bed, the movie on Semi’s laptop long forgotten._

_“Why are you asking me that?” Kenjirou asked, raising an eyebrow, completely unamused. “You’re the one who’s graduating next month.”_

_Semi hummed. “That’s true, yeah.” He said. “But I wanted to know if you have any plans, so this isn’t about me.”_

_Kenjirou rolled his eyes. “Well if you really want to know, I’m gonna get into medical school, hopefully.”_

_For some reason, Semi grinned at that. “Will I get a discount, doctor?”_

_“In your dreams, Semi-san!” He couldn’t help but giggle._ )

“Oh, are you seriously going to use that argument against me right now?” Kenjirou yelled, glaring at him as he crossed his arms, practically on the verge of tears. “That’s fucking low, even for you, _Semi-san_.”

( _“No need to call me Semi-san, we’re friends, right? Call me Eita.”_

_“I can’t do that, you’re my senior.”_

_“Semi then.”_

_“Okay, Semi.” Kenjirou smiled._ )

Semi raised an eyebrow, mockingly. “Are you denying it?”

“Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.” He shot back.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you’ve never wanted me. Ever. And I’ll leave.” Semi said, his voice uncharacteristically calm, as he stared into Kenjirou’s eyes, deadly serious. Kenjirou swallowed.

(How could Semi make him look into those eyes and make him say he never wanted him? It was a lie if he said he didn’t. They both knew it.

He wanted to deny it. He really did.

He wanted to scream at him.

He couldn’t in the end.

Not saying anything was always easier than lying, wasn’t it?)

Kenjirou looked away and stared blankly at the glass he was holding, taking a deep breath. “It’s pointless either way, so just leave.” He said, his voice devoid of any emotion. This was the calmest he could get without bursting into tears.

He couldn’t look Semi in the eyes after that. It was impossible.

He knew Semi was itching to say something. He didn’t though. Kenjirou was thankful. 

“Wait so—what I’m basically getting out of all of this is that Kenjirou over here watched too many romcoms and pulled a let’s-get-married-at-thirty thing?” Atsumu said flabbergasted.

“Um—yeah pretty much.” Semi said.

Well, that was certainly humiliating now that he thought about it.

“Wow, that’s actually cool.”

“Anyhow,” Kiyoomi said, as he narrowed his eyes at Semi. “I’m sure if you didn’t harbor at least some feelings for Kenjirou, you wouldn’t be here.”

(Kenjirou wanted to laugh. Why would Semi suddenly have feelings for him after all those years?)

“Yes.” Is instead what Semi said.

Kenjirou couldn’t help but be surprised at how Semi didn’t even hesitate as he said that. Nor how he didn’t disagree. 

(He wanted to vomit.)

(His chest hurt. His head was spinning.)

(What was happening?)

“Well, how do you feel about him?” Kiyoomi asked wearily, as if he were testing the waters of how far he could take this—what even was this? Therapy? An interrogation? Counselling? 

“I love him.” Semi said mildly. Kenjirou’s heart rate suddenly spiked and his face turned red. _What? Why?_ He wanted to ask, but all he could do was stare in bewilderment as his throat ran dry. “Or at least the version of him I knew.” _We haven’t had a civil conversation in more than a decade_ , was unspoken. 

For the first time in years, Kenjirou felt bad about ghosting Semi. 

“I see,” Kiyoomi hummed, as he turned his gaze back to Kenjirou. “How about you, Kenjirou-san?” 

He gulped. 

(He knew he had lost his dignity years ago. Still, it didn’t stop him from wanting to defend himself. From wanting to run away from everything again.)

“I plead the fifth.” He said.

“This isn’t the court,” Kiyoomi said unimpressed.

“Yet this sure seems like an interrogation.” He couldn’t help but say.

“Why are ya even entertaining this idiot, Omi?” Atsumu asked, sounding tired. “It’s pretty fuckin’ clear that Kenji is head over heels with Eita-san.”

(He could feel the warmth rushing to his cheeks.)

(He wanted to deny it. His mouth just wouldn’t allow him to _lie_.)

“Don’t call me that.” He hissed. 

“See! He’s not denying it!” Atsumu said, practically dancing in joy.

Kenjirou sighed. “I didn’t exactly say yes either.” He pointed out. 

Kiyoomi looks at him blankly. “We know you like him, you’re not fooling anyone.” He said as if they weren’t having this conversation in front of his so-called infatuation. 

Kenjirou brushed his bangs to the side, as he rubbed his temple. “Great, you’ve made your point, can you leave?” He asked, abruptly standing up. 

“So rude, Kenji.” Atsumu said teasingly as he got up. 

Maybe under normal circumstances Kenjirou would’ve humored him a little, but he had quickly decided that these would not be considered normal circumstances. At all. So he just glared at Atsumu, who seemed to get the hint for once. 

“We’ll get going, Kenjirou-san.” Kiyoomi says clearing his throat, as he brings his mask up to his face, narrowing his eyes at Kenjirou, making him want to get consumed by the ground. “As long as you promise to communicate with Semi-san, seeing as this is your mess.” 

The way Kiyoomi said it, there was no way Kenjirou could disagree. 

“Of course, Kiyoomi.” He mumbled, looking down at the table. “Can I keep the cookies?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“Yeah, they’re for you anyway,” Atsumu shrugged, as he pushed the chair back to its original position, before he turned to look at Semi pointedly. “Eita-san, I trust you’ll make Kenjirou _communicate_ with you.”

“Of course, Miya-kun.” Semi said. 

Kenjirou huffed, crossing his arms. “I’m not a _child_.”

“With matters of the heart, yes you are.” Atsumu said dismissively, as he walked towards the front door with Kiyoomi. For once Kenjioru couldn’t even be offended considering it was in fact _true_. “Don’t worry Kenjirou-kun, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He practically cooed. 

“For once I have to agree with Atsumu.” Kiyoomi said deadpan as always. 

Atsumu sighed. “Love you too, Omi.” He said, with his hand on Kiyoomi’s back.

“Gross. Get out.” Kenjirou said, as he opened the door for his _guests_ , practically pushing them out, as he stared at them with a stone cold expression. He didn’t need them lecturing him as if they were his parents. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Atsumu said, as he got out. 

“And remember to _communicate_.” Is the last thing Kiyoomi said, before Kenjirou slammed the door shut for them. 

From behind him, Semi snorted. “They aren’t wrong you know.” He said conversely.

Kenjirou turned around, ready to retort, but the sight of Semi standing awkwardly in his apartment, looking so out of place, stopped him. Instead, his mouth just remained parted and all he could do was stare at the man in front of him. 

Even after all those years, Semi was still profoundly mesmerizing. 

Even after their argument, the way Semi looked at him with his brown eyes, sparkling with hope—he almost chuckled. At one point those same eyes were the same eyes he dreamt would stare at him like that one day, but now he wants to flee from their sight. Semi was always stubbornly determined. He always got what he wanted, didn’t he?

(Kenjirou almost let out a whimper of defeat.)

“Right.” He ended up managing to choke out instead, opting to look at the ground, feeling himself get devoured by Semi’s calculating gaze. 

“So are we going to communicate?” Semi asked. It was a simple question, really. Still, it turned the gears in Kenjirou’s head to such an extent that he almost felt like he was going to pass out. 

(The pain in his chest returned and so did the sudden urge to run.)

(Semi loved him. He knew this. He _heard_ him say it. But they both knew what that meant. Semi loved the part of him he knew all those years ago. Maybe it was also the same for Kenjirou.)

(Deep down inside, he didn’t want to talk with Semi. It was the fear that Semi would stop loving him ate him up inside. He was a different person now, wasn’t he?)

(But why did it scare him? It had been years? Why should he have cared? Why wasn;t he over it already?) 

“Please, leave.” He whimpered out, closing his eyes shut, trying to stop any tears from escaping, as a lump formed in his throat.

“Shirabu, no.” Semi said firmly. _You can’t keep running away_ , he knew Semi wanted to say that too. His chest _hurt_. It was getting to the point of unbearable. How long had it been since he had felt this way?

“Semi-san, _please_.” He pleaded, as he looked up at Semi, on the verge of tears. 

He couldn’t do this right now. Semi needed to _understand_ that.

As Semi took in his appearance, he knew he understood. “Okay,” Semi said calmly, as he moved towards the door. “Later then?” He asked hesitantly. 

Kenjirou nodded. “ _Promise_.”

“Okay,” Semi said, as he opened the door. “Take care, _Shirabu_.” He said as he left. 

As the door closed, Kenjirou couldn’t help but fall down on his knees. 

When had it turned from _Kenjirou_ to _Shirabu_? When did it all go to flames? It pained him. 

( _“You can call me Kenjirou.” Kenjirou said shyly._

_Semi raised a skeptical eyebrow. “That hardly seems fair since you refuse to call me Eita.”_

_“Okay then, don’t call me Kenjirou.” He huffed, turning on his heel._

_Semi laughed. “No come back, Kenjirou!”_

_Kenjirou felt himself flush, biting back a smile._ )

Kenjirou brought his legs up, hugging his knees, as he buried his head on them, a silent sob escaping his lips. 

For the first time in years, Kenjirou allowed himself to cry over Semi again. 

  
  


-

  
  


It was a night in summer when Kenjirou Shirabu sat on his carpeted floor, with a half empty bottle of wine, regrets and fears, as he cried himself to sleep. That day the unbearable pain found its way back to his chest, but this time it just made him feel hollow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Su for beta-reading this!! I know I said I'd update this last week, but at this point, I'm a lazy fuck, no one should believe my posting schedule. Anyhow, chapter 19 for my main fic is still in the works, I PROMISE I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT IT. 
> 
> Remember when I said this isn't as angsty as the first chapter suggested? Oh well maybe that was a bluff(?) sort of. It'll get better, I promise! 
> 
> If anyone's wondering what Kiyoomi was doing the texting someone thing when Semi announced they were getting married, he was texting Wakatoshi, so yeah, make your guesses for what's about to happen. Next chapter will be a ride for sure and I realized how slowburn this is WHELP
> 
> But next chapter will definitely be a turning point for both them, I think they need to take their time and figure this out if they need to you know make things work. Please let me know what you think so far :)
> 
> Follow me on twitter @ashxtodd <3


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